What Real Self-Care for Women 40+ Actually Looks Like
“I know I should take better care of myself, but who has the time?“
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this from a busy, accomplished woman juggling career, family, and a never-ending to-do list, I’d have enough for a lifetime supply of those luxury bath bombs we’re all supposedly using during our “me time.”
The reality? Most of us are lucky to get five uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom, let alone an Instagram-worthy self-care ritual complete with candles and essential oils.
This disconnect between aspirational self-care and lived reality is why we need a new conversation around real self-care for women 40+. And it’s precisely what psychiatrist Dr. Pooja Lakshmin explores in her groundbreaking book, Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included).
As a wellness coach for busy women over 40, I nodded vigorously throughout every chapter. This is true about authentic self-care: it’s not indulgent or selfish. It doesn’t require a wellness budget or a silent retreat.
The Problem with “Faux Self-Care”
Dr. Lakshmin distinguishes between faux self-care and authentic self-care—a distinction crucial for midlife women.
Faux self-care is promoted as temporary escapes that may feel good at the moment but don’t address the underlying causes of our exhaustion. Think spa days squeezed between meetings, expensive juice cleanses, or meditation apps you download but never open.
These activities aren’t bad—but when we treat them as solutions instead of brief respites, they can distract us from what really needs our attention.
Dr. Lakshmin writes, “Self-care has been co-opted by commercial interests, transformed from a political act of self-preservation into another way to blame women for not doing enough.”
Why Traditional Self-Care Advice Doesn’t Work For Women Over 40
One of Dr. Lakshmin’s most valuable insights is that mainstream wellness advice often increases women’s mental load instead of lightening it.
This is especially true for midlife women dealing with:
- Hormonal shifts impacting sleep, mood, and energy
- Sandwich-generation caregiving responsibilities
- Heightened work and family demands
- Decades of putting others first, creating deeply ingrained patterns
Without acknowledging these realities, traditional self-care becomes just another thing to feel guilty about.
What Real Self-Care Looks Like in Midlife
Dr. Lakshmin redefines authentic self-care as making values-aligned decisions—even when those choices are uncomfortable.
It’s not about escaping your life. It’s about designing a life you don’t need to escape from.
For women 40 and beyond, authentic self-care includes:
Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
Real self-care means getting comfortable with other people’s discomfort. That might look like:
- Saying no to extra responsibilities
- Turning down social invitations that drain you
- Creating clear work/life boundaries
Saying yes to yourself means saying no to things that don’t align. That’s not selfish—it’s self-respect.
Challenging the Stories You Tell Yourself
Many women over 40 carry beliefs like “my worth is tied to productivity” or “self-care is selfish.“
Dr. Lakshmin encourages us to name and question these narratives.
Proper self-care comes from within—it’s less about “doing” and more about allowing.
Making Decisions Based on Values, Not Obligations
Authentic self-care is often about uncomfortable honesty:
- What do I actually want?
- What do I need to let go of?
- Where can I create ease?
Choosing what matters to you—not what others expect—is how you build a life rooted in meaning, not martyrdom.
Simple Ways to Practice Real Self-Care for Women 40+
Here are three ways to begin, inspired by Dr. Lakshmin’s work:
1. Conduct a Self-Care Audit
Ask:
- Does this activity genuinely replenish me?
- Is it addressing the cause of my stress or just the symptoms?
- Do I feel better afterward—or am I just distracted?
2. Practice Micro-Boundary Setting
Try:
- Taking a proper lunch break
- Building in a 10-minute buffer between meetings
- Scheduling one evening a week with zero plans
3. Identify Your Personal Depletion Warnings
These could be:
- Trouble sleeping
- Snapping over small things
- Forgetting words mid-sentence
The sooner you recognize these signs, the sooner you can respond with authentic self-care.
The Courage to Choose Real Self-Care Over Expectations
Dr. Lakshmin says, “Real self-care is about building a life that doesn’t leave you depleted, isolated, and thoroughly convinced that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.“
This isn’t just a wellness message.
It’s a call to exist differently in a world that often asks too much of women.
For women over 40 who’ve spent decades putting themselves last, authentic self-care isn’t about doing more—it’s about choosing what truly supports you.
Are you ready to begin? Download my free 5-Minute Morning Magic guide—it’s a simple way to gently reconnect with yourself before the day takes over.
Start Your Real Self-Care Journey Today
You don’t need to overhaul your life or wait for the perfect moment.
If you’re ready to begin, take one small, nourishing step today.
✨ Download my FREE 5-Minute Morning Magic guide—a gentle way to reconnect with yourself and start your day with calm, clarity, and intention.
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